The Depths of Hell and Beyond

And so it begins

2005-11-03T12:36:00.000Z

I have finally decided to try adding some excercise into the mix as an aid to fighting the depression. So my rowing machine has finally been assembled after sitting in parts for a few months.

Whether it will aid against the depression at this stage, I do not know but it can't hurt for me to get a bit fitter and lose some weight along the way.

SCM

Hell is all powerful

2005-10-16T22:03:00.000+01:00

I wish this was being posted as a happy update to my battles but it is nowhere near that at all. Hell has decided it will claim me fully one way or another whether by it’s darkness or by driving me to do something stupid.

My dreams are now scaring me a lot as I am dreaming of running off a nearby cliff and just falling, it isn’t nice waking up with real fear spreading through you over this dream and realising a thin thread is keeping you sane.

I am heading to sort out the benefits I am due as with my work no paying me any statutory sick pay or arranging it for me it is onto whatever benefits I can get. As I need money to survive and keep me going as I need to get away from here for a break and to recover away from this hell.

The only good thing during this is my photography is starting to improve and for people to say they like it and can see my development as a photographer. So far this is about the only thing that is keeping me from being stupid. My thoughts are full of I am hurting everyone else if I am gone they won’t hurt anymore. Then my thin thread of sanity kicks in and says they will hurt more if you are gone and I sit there near to tears fighting the internal demons and wanting this ti be over one way or another. For good or bad.

SCM

The hell continues

2005-09-28T18:51:00.000+01:00

The downward spiral of depression is pulling me further into it's depths hence my silence lately on the blog. It is a fight to get out of bed on a daily basis and the parents aren't helping with their current attitude that it will all be ok and i should go out and find a job. Thats part of what got me here in the first place doing a job for the sake of just doing something.

I want time to heal fully and explore who I am and try to be what I once was as the new me after all my trials and tribulations is not someone I want to be permanently.

So tomorrow I will drag myself out the house with the camera and go take some more pictures around where I live so the changes here can really sink in. As in 5 years this place has changed so much and I dont feel as if I belong here or anywhere at the moment. I don't know where to go from here and the daily grind of the darkness is winning.

SCM

The first photographs with my new digital camera are online

2005-08-20T17:46:00.000+01:00

Finally had time to experiment with camera today and got a few nice shots of some roses in my front garden in various states of life.

You can see them on SCM my DA page where i also vent and post stuff now and again.

SCM aka screemb

The Hell continues

2005-08-16T21:02:00.000+01:00

Wish I could say I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the chances of me seeing that are slim to impossible at the moment.

The devastation that was my move back home after the separation and house sale is still continuing almost a month later. I am slowly now getting furniture to sort the pig sty out that is my room at the moment.

All my good intentions are failing and it is a fight to want to do anything at the moment. My new camera is sitting waiting to be used properly, my new computer sits waiting the desk being assembled and my exercise regime is on hold as the rowing machine is still in the box.

The most i have done recently is help out my dad with the new kitchen build on the odd day otherwise I sit online chatting or reading forums. My friends drag me out now and again to get me interested in something and I put on a brave face and look like I am having fun when a lot of the time i'm not.

Hopefully the next visit to the doctors will mean a change in my prescription or something added as the interruption to my sleep pattern, lack of energy, motivation etc are still here as bad as ever. My temper is now starting to surface as well as my mum means well but her fussing even though she has cut it back is starting to really get to me.

Well Hell is here with me to stay for a while and can't say it is something that is welcome.

SCM

The Darkness is advancing

2005-08-07T21:43:00.000+01:00

Well now week 9 of this depression hell and I find myself slipping more and more into the darkness inside myself. These days motivation to do anything is getting harder and harder.

The new camera and kit arrives tomorrow so maybe this will give me something to do to help get me out of this dark hell I am currently in. The new computer parts to build my new super computer will arrive this week as well, so should distract me for a day or so as I assemble and set that up along with new desk for it.

Also looking into some exrecise equipment to see if adding some exercise into my daily activities will help me feel more energetic. As my main problems now are lack of sleep, lack of appetite which does mean weight loss so that i can live with, lack of energy hence the exrecise equipment and the blacks spells combined with little or no motivation.

All in all the next doctors visit will be much needed to try to sort this out as current pills just are failing to do anything for me :(

SCM

The darkness inside

2005-08-01T05:05:00.000+01:00

As a follow on from the last blog and the hidden sides of everyone a bit more about my hidden depths.

At the moment the waking hours are consisting of a fight deep inside my mind where both the sides are struggling for domination over me. The light side is so far fighting and losing at every turn and the darkness creeps up and takes me over on an increasing and worrying basis. I sit ok for about 5-10 minutes listening to music or doing something then it hits and i sit here so down and dark losing track of who I am. These periods outweigh the light periods by double at the moment and the fight seems a losing one.

When the darkness hits the world around me loses all meaning and nothing will snap me out of this period until my mind wins the fight again. The fight is taking more and more energy and time to win and the dark periods seem so close to each other now and it is worrying.

I have to see the doctors again in a few weeks and i will let her know it is still as bad and if anything the dark times are increasing and beginning to be all i am at times. This will be a long fight and the end is not in sight as it is lost in the increasing darkness.

The sides we hide from the world

2005-07-28T04:23:00.000+01:00

It is now after counting week 8 of this depression hell and i got thinking, yes i know bad idea me thinking :P

We all have sides of us a lot of people never see for a variety of reasons, my depression if you saw me online in chat or out wandering in the evil real world you would be hard pressed to know i was depressed majprity of the time. This thinking made me realise everyone of us have things we hide from others, our secrets.

Some hide their true feelings behind jokes and humour scared to lower this guard for fear of people rejecting the real person inside, some like myself have darkness lurking within us and we try to hide it or avoid it ourselves as when it catches you up you suddenly go from bright to the depths of hell. Others hide their likes and dislikes as to some they would appear perversions and they supress the real them and diminish due to this and the rest of us all hide something we would rather no one else knew of.

For those of us who do this we do hurt and lose a lot of who we are and it is hard to retrieve this lost part if at all.

There's a hole in my soul, It's a real big place, You can see it in my face

2005-06-08T01:00:00.000+01:00

There comes a time in everyones life when events affect them and they are forced to address the sum of what their life has been up till now. I am now at this position in my own life and am reviewing who, what and more importantly why I am where I am now.

The events of the last year or so have finally caught up with me and my review takes place while in the grip of mild depression, so my thinking has been part of my own self healing process and is still ongoing. Someone said life was not going to be easy and so far I can not disagree after the last year with a house fire, the repairs and then at beginning of the year the bombshell from my wife that she wanted a separartion, house sale then divorce in time. So the last 18 months or so are not considered the best of my life.

I'm now reviewing my life and career and admitting to the brutal facts that I am in a job that I absolutely hate and with the upcoming house sale I am now able to do something about it. I have been an engineer/technician in my field since 17, when i left school, with a gap for a year at University this totals 16 years now and enough is enough. I am now sick to death of dragging myself into a job I hate, pretending to enjoy it when it is the last thing I really want to do. I want to find the real me and a career that i want to do, enjoy doing and can see myself fully committing to it as right now engineering isn't for me or ever was being honest.

What to do next is the question? As I do not have a clue what I really want to do.

I am definitely going to spend some of the cash visiting friends I know from online in the USA with some of the money left from the house sale, after debts have been paid off. This will be during a 6 month or so break from work just to re-find myself as I have lost too much of myself along the way I need to recover it for completing myself again.

I will during this time be giving a chance to my writing as a few years back I managed to produce a few chapters of an idea that when people read it left them saying more, more, more. As after recently finding a printed copy of it recently during a pre-house sale clearance it surprised me how good it actually was, as my self critical side is overpowering at times and I always doubted how good it really was. The self doubt is also an issue I will need to address during this 6 month period of reflection along with other aspects of my bruised and battered body and personality.

To go from being with someone who you loved and were with for almost 6 years who now no longer loves you is a difficult step and the battle ahead to rediscover me and what I really want to be is not something I am really looking forward to.

SCM

How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes

2005-03-06T09:21:00.000Z

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Thanks to a friend in chat recommending me Simple Plan Untitled as a song to listen to as it sums up perfectly my life at present with regards to my imminent separation.

The lyrics sum up perfectly whats going on in my head and life at present which is scary as I suppose I have been fooling everyone that things have been fine. Yet deep down I can't hide from the truth of things that are going on in my life.

So realising slowly I have a lot of things to sort through and think over before the house is sold and we go our own ways. My friends online in chat are helping me by just being there for me so thanks and you know who you are.

At present I have no idea what the future will hold and that is the scary part as for the last 6 years almost I have had someone in my life there beside me, supporting me, now I don't. I'm now left with a part of who I am or was gone or going. It isn't something I wanted or am looking forward to but life goes on.

I look forward to the future now wondering whats going to happen.

The Depths Of Hell and Beyond welcomes you

2005-02-15T22:15:00.000Z

A quick first blog to set this up and more will follow detailing the hell that my life has now become. So don't expect anything warm and fuzzy here for a while, if ever.