And so it begins

I have finally decided to try adding some excercise into the mix as an aid to fighting the depression. So my rowing machine has finally been assembled after sitting in parts for a few months.

Whether it will aid against the depression at this stage, I do not know but it can't hurt for me to get a bit fitter and lose some weight along the way.

SCM

Hell is all powerful

I wish this was being posted as a happy update to my battles but it is nowhere near that at all. Hell has decided it will claim me fully one way or another whether by it’s darkness or by driving me to do something stupid.

My dreams are now scaring me a lot as I am dreaming of running off a nearby cliff and just falling, it isn’t nice waking up with real fear spreading through you over this dream and realising a thin thread is keeping you sane.

I am heading to sort out the benefits I am due as with my work no paying me any statutory sick pay or arranging it for me it is onto whatever benefits I can get. As I need money to survive and keep me going as I need to get away from here for a break and to recover away from this hell.

The only good thing during this is my photography is starting to improve and for people to say they like it and can see my development as a photographer. So far this is about the only thing that is keeping me from being stupid. My thoughts are full of I am hurting everyone else if I am gone they won’t hurt anymore. Then my thin thread of sanity kicks in and says they will hurt more if you are gone and I sit there near to tears fighting the internal demons and wanting this ti be over one way or another. For good or bad.

SCM

The hell continues

The downward spiral of depression is pulling me further into it's depths hence my silence lately on the blog. It is a fight to get out of bed on a daily basis and the parents aren't helping with their current attitude that it will all be ok and i should go out and find a job. Thats part of what got me here in the first place doing a job for the sake of just doing something.

I want time to heal fully and explore who I am and try to be what I once was as the new me after all my trials and tribulations is not someone I want to be permanently.

So tomorrow I will drag myself out the house with the camera and go take some more pictures around where I live so the changes here can really sink in. As in 5 years this place has changed so much and I dont feel as if I belong here or anywhere at the moment. I don't know where to go from here and the daily grind of the darkness is winning.

SCM

The first photographs with my new digital camera are online

Finally had time to experiment with camera today and got a few nice shots of some roses in my front garden in various states of life.

You can see them on SCM my DA page where i also vent and post stuff now and again.

SCM aka screemb

The Hell continues

Wish I could say I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the chances of me seeing that are slim to impossible at the moment.

The devastation that was my move back home after the separation and house sale is still continuing almost a month later. I am slowly now getting furniture to sort the pig sty out that is my room at the moment.

All my good intentions are failing and it is a fight to want to do anything at the moment. My new camera is sitting waiting to be used properly, my new computer sits waiting the desk being assembled and my exercise regime is on hold as the rowing machine is still in the box.

The most i have done recently is help out my dad with the new kitchen build on the odd day otherwise I sit online chatting or reading forums. My friends drag me out now and again to get me interested in something and I put on a brave face and look like I am having fun when a lot of the time i'm not.

Hopefully the next visit to the doctors will mean a change in my prescription or something added as the interruption to my sleep pattern, lack of energy, motivation etc are still here as bad as ever. My temper is now starting to surface as well as my mum means well but her fussing even though she has cut it back is starting to really get to me.

Well Hell is here with me to stay for a while and can't say it is something that is welcome.

SCM

The Darkness is advancing

Well now week 9 of this depression hell and I find myself slipping more and more into the darkness inside myself. These days motivation to do anything is getting harder and harder.

The new camera and kit arrives tomorrow so maybe this will give me something to do to help get me out of this dark hell I am currently in. The new computer parts to build my new super computer will arrive this week as well, so should distract me for a day or so as I assemble and set that up along with new desk for it.

Also looking into some exrecise equipment to see if adding some exercise into my daily activities will help me feel more energetic. As my main problems now are lack of sleep, lack of appetite which does mean weight loss so that i can live with, lack of energy hence the exrecise equipment and the blacks spells combined with little or no motivation.

All in all the next doctors visit will be much needed to try to sort this out as current pills just are failing to do anything for me :(

SCM

The darkness inside

As a follow on from the last blog and the hidden sides of everyone a bit more about my hidden depths.

At the moment the waking hours are consisting of a fight deep inside my mind where both the sides are struggling for domination over me. The light side is so far fighting and losing at every turn and the darkness creeps up and takes me over on an increasing and worrying basis. I sit ok for about 5-10 minutes listening to music or doing something then it hits and i sit here so down and dark losing track of who I am. These periods outweigh the light periods by double at the moment and the fight seems a losing one.

When the darkness hits the world around me loses all meaning and nothing will snap me out of this period until my mind wins the fight again. The fight is taking more and more energy and time to win and the dark periods seem so close to each other now and it is worrying.

I have to see the doctors again in a few weeks and i will let her know it is still as bad and if anything the dark times are increasing and beginning to be all i am at times. This will be a long fight and the end is not in sight as it is lost in the increasing darkness.